My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
