Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
