I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
