how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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