New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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