Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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