First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
