he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
