when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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