If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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