So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
