guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Dicks are not precious.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
