I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
