I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This baby is an asshole
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Randomize
