I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize