By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
