I just cut my nipple shaving
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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