i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i will never coherently bang her
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
