Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
