Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
