I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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