Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize