I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
