I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
