I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
