I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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