if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
