She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
