god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
