oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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