she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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