I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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