I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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