Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
