No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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