mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
