I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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