I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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