We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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