Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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