stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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