I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
