We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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