Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
