i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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