sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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