Dual....:-)
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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