apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
