I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
