12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
