I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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