my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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