I will die if light touches me.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
