i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
try to milk me bitch
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
