I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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