how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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