Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
