This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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