you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
